Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

The World Now Has One Less Boner

March 3, 2010
Andrew Koenig, the actor most known for his role as Boner on the hit TV series “Growing Pains” from the 80’s committed suicide by hanging himself from a tree deep in the heart of Vancouver’s Stanley Park during the Olmpics. While the tragedy of this unhappy event makes me sad, I can’t help but point out the uncomfortable humor inherent in repeating these facts. And I also can’t help but point out that one of my many nicknames is also Boner (Chris Jones ->Jones->Jonesey->Joneser->Boner->Stabone, and so on…), and wonder when I die, will my obituary read something like, “Boner Succumbs to Prostate Cancer”? I know I should feel bad about writing this, but sometimes humor is the only way to deal with loss, especially when we are talking about such a loveable TV personality.
 
I would also like to point out that Kirk Cameron, who played Mike Seaver (which coincidentally rhymes with beaver) on “Growing Pains”, is now a wacko fundamentalist Christian that makes videos denouncing the ‘absurdity’ of Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. When Koenig went missing, Kirk threw this bone (pun intended) to his old buddy:
 
“Mike and Boner could always work things out when they put their minds to it. Andrew, if you’re reading this, please call me.”
  
I imagine that if Andrew had actually called his old buddy, he would have been lectured on the fact that God was there for him, and he should answer his call. I’m also guessing that Andrew didn’t call Kirk because the last thing he wanted to hear before ending his life was some religous nonsense from his wacko ex-coworker. There’s no way he was going to play Boner to his S(b)eaver.
 

Boner Arrested

It’s only fair to mention that Koenig did in fact protest a lot, and there is a picture of him being arrested at the Rose Bowl in ’08 on his father’s memorial site. Apparently he was protesting US involvement in the Beijing Olympics. I don’t know why he chose the Rose Bowl… maybe it was really close to his house or something.
 

Serious Boner

On a final note, I offer this simple fact as a tribute to show just how powerful and awesome Boner was:  shortly after he left Growing Pains the ratings coincidentally dropped and by 1992 it was cancelled. Even Leonardo DiCaprio couldn’t save the show! That’s how awesome he was. Boner simply was the show, and all the other characters sucked in comparison to him. He paved the way for all the Boners to come after him, and he will be sorely missed (ouch!). If only he had Viagra, perhaps this Boner could have lasted a little longer. Ok, now I’m really going to hell!

Now is the Not the Time for a New Blog Post

December 23, 2009
 
Against All Odds!

I’m busy, my boss has asked me to do a million things that can’t possibly be done on time. I’ve been on hold with AT&T for the past half hour with their tech support trying to get the fax to work again, and someone just piled a bunch of holiday cards onto my desk. Everyone is taking off somewhere on vacation and is also rushing to finish whatever they are doing, too. Yet, amongst all this chaos I am still able to squeeze out a quick blog.

I feel like Anderson Cooper at the scene of some giant hurricane as it mercilessly blows his silver mane into a frenzy and he clings tightly to his microphone, continuing to mutter useless drivel against all odds… against all odds! It’s more the point that he’s bringing the news to you, rather than whether or not you need to know that news. So as the hurricane at my office job continues in the background, I sneak quick sentences into this blog without checking for punctuation and spellng errors. The plants go unwatered and the fax line remains inoperable, Christmas cards remain unsent and I can hear the sound of people having mental breakdowns behind me, but I still continue forward with my blog, against all odds. AGAINST ALL ODDS!!

I couldn’t find a big Anderson Cooper shot, so here’s some Dan Rather look-alike instead

I just spent the past 20 minutes looking for pictures of Anderson Cooper online instead of writing those important checks that have to go out today. I found out a lot about this creepy bastard, none of which was the slight bit interesting or helpful in writing this blog. And it certainly wasn’t helpful in getting all the work done that I have to do today. I also learned that Anderson Cooper must have several interns scouring the web for images of him, because there are simply no unflattering pictures of him available anywhere. I even searched “Anderson Cooper + The Artist Formerly Known as ‘Prince'” to see if maybe they have some kind of affair going on, but all I found was this really creepy website of a Japanese girl who is obsessed with “The Silver Fox” and posts thousands of screenshots of him from each of his broadcasts, peppered with some videos of her playing piano. I think I’m going to be sick…

And yet, still no work has been accomplished. I must stop this now, it’s even getting too much for me.

The only emberassing picture available of Anderson Cooper

Success in Creating the Most Unpopular Blog of All Time

November 11, 2009
Unpopular

It wasn't easy, but I've finally done it!

In an effort to completely alienate my audience and leave them confused and frustrated, I have achieved the impossible title of, “World’s Most Unpopular Blog”. While most bloggers are trying to get people to read their thoughtful ideas and gasp with amazement at how incredibly cool their ability to find strange and interesting things on the internet is, I have been writing long and winding incomplete sentences without proofreading for errors. I’ve been purposely misspelling important words for the sake of frustration. My subject matter has been dull and uninteresting, and I’ve gone on ad naseum about topics that have already been better covered by more capable and professional internet writers. I have purposely chosen subject matter that is offensive and insensitive to just about every type of person you can imagine, while maintaining a droll monotone of unexciting prose. This methodology has been applied to all things that I hate or dislike, and without any variation from this routine, I have simply bitched and complained a lot without offering any better ideas or compelling critiques.

It’s been a hard road, but I am glad I finally made it. Being at the top of the pile of the worst blogs in the world is an achievement I never thought I would accomplish, mostly because I don’t have any confidence in myself at all. But by avoiding hard work and critical thinking despite all odds, this moment has finally arrived. Of course, no one will ever read this because I have less than two visitors to my blog in the past four months, and both of those were me. This is a personal accomplishment, and now I can go on to do other great things with my spare time, like sharpening my fish hook collection and shooting rats at the dump. With the extra void that this blog has filled in my life, so shall I find another outlet for my less-than-average creative energy. Way to go, me!

Hipster Poses as Real Musician, Gets Ass Kicked

November 5, 2009
William Chestnut, just prior to his beating

William Chestnut, just prior to his beating

Late last Friday night, 24-year-old Mission resident William Chestnut (nicknamed “Chesternut” by so-called friends), was savagely beaten outside the Knockout Room at Mission and 29th Streets by an unknown group of men for attempting to pose as a musician and actually being a hipster. He is in critical condition at  UCSF, after being initially taken to SF General because paramedics assumed the unconscious victim was homeless. He was later identified as the son of an affluent lawyer and doctor from Menlo Park. Chestnut suffered severe injuries to his whiny jaw, beady eyes, and scrawny legs, but surprisingly, several well-placed kicks to the groin area caused very little damage. He is expected to be released in the next couple of days.

According to police, Chestnut moved to the Mission after enrolling in , and quickly dropping out of, the Academy of Art. His parents, unaware of his decision to leave the school, said that he used the tuition money in addition to his allowance and some of his hefty trust fund, to purchase vintage 80’s electronic musical equipment and cocaine in an attempt to jump-start his musical career. He was actually successful in getting a band of similarly greasy, precocious hipsters assembled together by throwing nightly parties at his apartment on 18th and Valencia St, under the guise of “auditions”.

“We knew he couldn’t play music, but he had all this free coke, and all my friends said he was like, not a rapist, and stuff,” said apathetic hanger-on Sarah Plumb, who witnessed the beating that occured shortly after Chestnut’s band, known as “Turd Muffin” was booed off stage and dragged into the streets.

“We aren’t sure exactly why he chose to try and be a musician, but it apparently angered some of the audience members who had come to rock out to some real music that night, and weren’t going to stand for any of his bullshit”, stated Police Officer Kevin Danno. He was the first on the scene to break up the fight.

According to ex-bandmate Chad Bigglesworth, “Turd Muffin was supposed to be a real band. We had fanny packs and headbands and everything, and we even figured out how to use the presets on our Casio keyboards and scrape kitchenware across a giant blackboard. We were very avante-garde and ahead of our time. Our time being the 80’s, that is. I can’t believe they took Chesternut down. Whose place are we going to party at now?”

The people responsible for the beating have not been arrested, although Officer Danno did pursue them looking for their autographs. The other bandmembers were spared any injuries after selfishly ratting out Chestnut as the primary leader responsible for the awful racket. He burst into tears as the crowd dragged him out into the streets to receive his punishment as the bar’s staff cheered them on.

According to the club’s bouncer Doug Blunt, “People were definitely not impressed with the awful screeching and cheesy synths. It was pretty obvious that these assholes had never even taken a music lesson before. The lead singer was the most offensive because he was wearing a neon pink loin cloth and velvet cape and was rubbing the microphone all over his pasty body. No wonder he got his ass beat”.

Police are not investigating the crime any further, and it is likely that all criminal charges will be dropped against the attackers even if they are caught, since the act was clearly committed in self-defense for the public’s sanity. When asked if he would press charges, Chestnut moaned, “I don’t care, I’m going to sue the pants off all you people – I am the next Boy George!”

My Posts are Too Long

October 28, 2009

golden_silk_spider_judy

I just noticed that most of my posts are too long for most people’s attention spans. If you are one of these people, I am sorry, I promise to work on it. As a consolation, here is an extremely short post, along with an intriguing picture that is kind of discomforting. And now I’m making it just a little bit longer. Uh-oh, now I’m ruining it by making it too long. Seriously, if I could just stop writing now it would be perfect… but I can’t help myself. Ok, I’m going to stop now. No, seriously, I will.