70’s Jeans – Why They Won’t Work for You

The 70's Jean - Trendy Kitsch or Society's Greatest Threat?

The 70's Jean - Trendy Kitsch or Society's Greatest Threat?

    I am no expert on fashion, but the collective census of men that I know do not believe that you, nor anyone for that matter, should wear 70’s jeans. The truth is, this is probably one of the worst atrocities to occur in fashion since Capri pants, which are horrible on so many levels I can’t even begin to say (making women’s legs look short and stubby is their greatest crime). And yes, it’s true that Farah Fawcett and the entire cast of “That 70’s Show” all wore these awful jeans to a passable effect, but they are all very skinny, (and very hot) people that would pretty much look good in anything. If Farrah were alive today, she would tell the world to learn from her mistakes and let the 70’s jeans stay where they belong – in the back of a closet!

    Dittos - expensive AND hideous

    Dittos - expensive AND hideous

    A little web research reveals that because these jeans, sometimes referred to as “Dittos” by those who follow horrible fashion trends, are being hocked to women at alarmingly high premiums, fetching as much as $500 a pair for pieces of wasted fabric and Chinese sweatshop laborers’ energy! I don’t have $500 or a wife, but if I did and she took that money to buy a pair of “Dittos”, I would immediately file for divorce and let her keep the pants!

    “Why do they suck,” you ask? Well, I’ll be more than happy to tell you. Let’s start with the bottom of the pants (continually refer with disdain to above image for reference). Bell bottoms are great, but not when they look like the legs of 90’s Raver pants, covering the feet so completely so that no one can even tell where the floor ends and your legs begin. This ascends up the thigh into a fast taper until it reaches your camel toe, which is mercilessly squeezed because the crotch is designed far too high to make your legs appear longer. I would argue that if we can’t see your legs, why should we care that they are longer? By the time the fabric has reached your hips the pant has gone from ridiculously wide to ridiculously thin, so much so that your hips are being choked, which is fine, except for the jeans are now disregarding the all-important waste that you’ve worked so hard to maintain, and they just keep climbing up, and up, and UP your body, past your pubic bone (which is being crushed as we speak due to a shield-like flat front), now past your soon-to-be-chafed belly button, and basically just south of your breasts (which if you have a large cup size, are probably looming just above the jeans, like when the toilet almost overflows past the bowl). This, in effect, creates an “A” shape from the front. But if you put a chest and head on top of this shape, it looks completely unnatural, as if God added these parts of your body as afterthought. It’s like adding a giant balloon of Dolly Parton to the top of the Washington Monument!

    this is with no butt

    this is with no butt


    this is with a big butt

    this is with a big butt

    Now, let’s talk about the greatest travesty of all regarding the 70’s jeans – what it does to your ass. Now, if I understand one thing about jeans, it’s that they are capable of making a woman’s backside look the best that it possibly can. The right pair of jeans on the right woman can create mass hysteria among both sexes, and pretty much takes the cake when it comes to all-time greatest reasons to wear clothes at all. In the case of the 70’s jean, however, the ass is completely disregarded, and actually punished for being itself. I mean, yes, they define the lower part of the butt, but (pun intended) they then proceed to make the hips look too wide while subsequently making the waste too skinny. Instead of an apple bottom, you are now looking at two angry cheeks that are being forced down and apart against their will, with a top that is flat and huge like Mena Suvari’s forehead! How is that possibly a good thing?

    Jessica Simpson demonstrates the "Reverse Ass Effect"

    Jessica Simpson demonstrates the "Reverse Ass Effect"

    I’ve explained how 70’s jeans don’t look good on you, now it’s time to talk about why you don’t look in them. First of all, like most fashion trends, these jeans are designed for women who are 5’7″ or taller, skinny with no boobs and a small, polite ass that can be told what to do. I’m guessing that you aren’t that girl, and if you are, you still won’t look good in these jeans. Most women have at least a little fat on their stomachs (it’s ok, most men do, too), and the 70’s jean puts that on full display by making your whole front look completely bloated. Now those unwanted “glamour pounds” are on full display, like a turtle growing out of your stomach. This is what is referred to as the “Reverse Ass Effect” (see Jessica Simpson’s above). If you have wide hips, especially “saddlebags”, these jeans will ensure that they are on full display and accentuate the lower portion, unfairly contrasting your hips against the corset-like waist of the pants and the squeezing of the tops of your legs just below your butt.¬† Speaking of your ass, if you happen to have a big one, then you can expect the results to be a cartoon-like exaggeration of what it really looks like, complete with the unflattering wedgie that gave birth to the term “reverse camel toe”. If you are one of those people who doesn’t have¬† much of an ass at all, then the seat of the jeans will sag like a deflated balloon in this area, much like parachute pants from the eighties (which are also due for a comeback in 2015).

    She committed suicide just after this picture was taken

    She committed suicide just after this picture was taken

    Let me summarize by saying that there is NOTHING good about these jeans. Regular fit, low-cut, and even some forms of pocketless jeans are always preferred to this abomination in pants. If anyone does happen to look good in 70’s jeans, it’s simply because they are already hot, and would unanimously be better served by any alternative pants, dress, skirt, or ANYTHING else, for god sakes. Please, if you are a woman who owns a pair of these pants, do the universe a favor and burn them immediately. DO NOT donate them to Goodwill or sell them to Buffalo Exchange, because that means some other unwitting young woman, desperate to be “in style” may pick them up and the misery will continue. Now you know what you have to do – please kill the 70’s jean!

    Let’s start a poll to see what you think:

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5 Responses to “70’s Jeans – Why They Won’t Work for You”

  1. wendyl Says:

    i have to agree with you mr jones. unless you are one of charlie’s angels, this fashion statement is a bad idea.

  2. Jonathon Coldsam Says:

    She is absolutely my No.1 actress right now. What a superb presence. Just fabulous!

  3. LittleNelllll Says:

    What? Bloated?!!? Fuck, if anything high waisted pants REDUCE pounds and make your butt look GREAT! That is if worn right… IF worn wrong they do the opposite.

  4. 2010 in review « cjonesplay's blog Says:

    […] 70′s Jeans – Why They Won’t Work for You September 2009 4 comments 5 […]

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